This morning, I was logging into one of my Hotmail accounts and noticed on MSN's homepage a headline that read "Can ADHD be cured naturally?", so, naturally, I decided to click the link and check it out. Being that I have ADHD, I found the article to be very condescending, at best. I realize the article states that "if your symptoms aren't severe, you may want to consider the alternatives [listed in the article]", but, let's be clear, after that statement, they are no longer referring to an actual ADHD diagnosis. Perhaps the article should be titled "How to treat BOREDOM naturally".
Let me break it down for you...
1. "Give yourself a carrot." - The idea is to reward yourself to get through a tedious project. Um... yeah... that's a swell idea if you just dislike what you're working on. But, if you really have ADHD, there's not a latte - or any 'carrot' - in this world that could keep out the millions of other thoughts swarming my mind while I try to 'wrap up a project'.
2. "Nix sneaky triggers." - Oh, you don't have ADHD... it's just allergies. Huh, what now? Come again? Elaboration and/or commentary unneeded.
3. "Tune in." - To paraphrase - If, while reading the newspaper, you find yourself ruminating over a fight with your sister... just tell yourself to stop and eventually you won't do it anymore. Not only is this the ultimate simplification of what someone believes to be an example of actual Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder... it's not really an example of ADHD - it's an example of an implausible scenario. I don't care what newspaper you're reading... unless it's an article defending your point in the argument, chances are that a fight - with someone as close as a sister - would overrule whatever crappy article you're reading. So, even if they used a better example here, it's still likely that "tuning in" is a good tool for the occasional wandering-mind, but probably not for someone like me...
Ooooh! Shiny object!
Friday, June 17, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
Honest lies.
I had dinner tonight with a friend from grade school. We reminisced and realized we had two very different perceptions of the past...
I stopped by my parents' house on the way home and asked my mom if she read my blog from yesterday. She said she did, but she didn't have time right now to talk to me about what really happened...
Among the top horrible ADHD 'gifts' - "Honest Lies" - is probably one of, if not the worst. What I've learned thus far, from my therapist and the myriad of books/magazines/articles I've read on my own, I'm a bit of a 'magical thinker' at times and can concoct conversations in my mind without them really happening.
So, I wonder, how many conflicts have I unintentionally caused of my own doing?
As far as this "food for thought" goes... I think I might be allergic.
New topic, please. :-)
I stopped by my parents' house on the way home and asked my mom if she read my blog from yesterday. She said she did, but she didn't have time right now to talk to me about what really happened...
Among the top horrible ADHD 'gifts' - "Honest Lies" - is probably one of, if not the worst. What I've learned thus far, from my therapist and the myriad of books/magazines/articles I've read on my own, I'm a bit of a 'magical thinker' at times and can concoct conversations in my mind without them really happening.
So, I wonder, how many conflicts have I unintentionally caused of my own doing?
As far as this "food for thought" goes... I think I might be allergic.
New topic, please. :-)
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Another holiday, successfully ruined...
Uggh. Christmas. My birthday. And now, Easter.
Being aware of my sucky traits is something I've clearly been struggling with and per the advice of my ADD/ADHD therapist, I've been making small efforts to make my family (and friends) aware of certain things I do that are not actually me, but my ADHD traits.
I am not making excuses for bad behavior. Let's be clear on this. I am just trying to make people aware of things that I've been working on without blaming it purely on Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. There is still a hopeful part of me that naively thinks I can eventually "get over" ADHD. And I know that some of my family and friends don't really think I have ADHD and some don't even think it's a real disorder.
A month or so ago, I wanted to make sure my parents were on board and that, at the very least, they understood that all of this was and is very real to me. My mom, dad, and I actually met with my therapist, and while I think that was helpful, they surely cannot entirely grasp all the little ADHD intricacies. I am still very far from that point myself. As for my brother and sister - while they may be aware of my diagnosis - they are even further from understanding what that actually means. And, frankly, I'm not sure I want them to look into it further. I am not really trying to broadcast this aspect of myself anyway - because it doesn't define who I am. It does, however, explain the way I think and act sometimes.
Hence this blog. I haven't told anyone besides my therapist and my parents that this blog even exists. (I really made it for purely therapeutic reasons - to give myself an outlet to document my experiences with this whole ADHD thing.) But I did give them permission to pass it along to anyone they think might find it useful. I haven't sugar-coated anything, nor do I have any plans to do so. I take full responsibility for everything I write here. While I will not use any real names for anyone I talk about - I did use my real name. Because this is all very real to me. And I want people to know that. My name is really Katie. That's really me in the picture over there on the right. And I really do have ADHD.
So, again, I'm not trying to make excuses for my behavior. I'm trying to explain it - in hopes that, in this case, knowledge will be helpful. (Unfortunately, ignorance is no longer an option.) I want my family and friends to know that I never intentionally try to hurt or annoy them. The things I say and do are never out of malice. I genuinely love my family and friends. Sometimes I say and do things without thinking. This is due to my less-than-perfect impulse control.
To get back to my original reason for this post, I've ruined yet another holiday - this time... Easter. Along with saying things without thinking and getting stuck on thoughts (ie. repeating myself), I also sometimes trip over my words (which may or may not be ADHD-related, I'm not sure). So this morning, standing in my parents' kitchen while we were all getting ready for church, I was talking to my mother and sister and said something a little "jumble-y". And my sister jumped right on me. And so I asked her, calmly, to try not to do that in the future as it really bothers me when people jump on me saying something wrong. She brushed it off. My mom joined in, agreeing that we all pick on the way each other speak - as if that makes it ok. So I reiterated my point, saying that I wish she would just try to let it slide. Then she and my mother kind of laughed it off, implied like I was overreacting, and went back to what they were doing. I literally responded, "well thanks for patronizing me."
This made my sister hysterical for some reason. And my father, who was in earshot, decided to chime in that my sister did in fact apologize and that, even after she said she wouldn't do it anymore, I continued to harp on the issue. I sat silently and listened.
First of all, in my defense, there actually really never was an apology, there was a defensive "we all do this, so what's your problem?" conversation that followed my request. An actual apology would imply that she understood that she hurt me. But, people are defensive, that's human nature. I get it. So I just reiterated my point, hoping that if something is said twice, it would stress the importance of what was said - that I really wish she would, in the future, try not to jump on my mis-speech. And when she rolled her eyes, I threw out the 'patronizing' comment. Impulsivity aside, that is how I feel when someone rolls their eyes when I am communicating my feelings - something I RARELY do. Maybe I should've been the bigger person and not replied to the eye-rolling - but I was frustrated that my plea seemed to be going unacknowledged.
So anyhow, the final straw came from my father's commentary. In a completely ridiculous bit of irony, HE begins to harp on ME about how I never let things go. Literally, in his defense, he did say that I only said it TWICE. Yep. He confirmed that I "harped" on my sister - by saying something two times and then again by throwing in the 'patronizing' comment (which I admit, was not a good power play). And he says this to me, literally, multiple times - so that he can drive home the point... that I never know when to quit.
Ok. Even if I did get stuck on the issue. Even if, in a terrible case of ADHD-instigated repetition or whatnot, I hyper-focused on an issue - my father did the same thing - if not worse. And I say 'worse' not purely because I inferred that it was little hypocritical, but rather because, now, TWO members of my family - within a span of five or ten minutes - each made a point to criticize the very issues I've been struggling with to understand and either fix or accept as a short-coming.
Yay! Just another thing I suck at. I, single-handedly, made my sister cry, my father yell at me, and my mother have to play the mediator.
It was against my better judgment to go to my parents' for Easter in the first place, as I know family-gatherings always end with people getting upset with something I said or did. But I do love my family and whole-heartedly wish that one day we'd all magically get along... that I had better control over my impulsive behavior... that they didn't pick at the things I'm actively trying to improve upon.
As for today, I left. Because I really wanted to go a day without feeling crappy about myself. Because I really HATE every 'gift' ADHD has given me thus far... I wish I wasn't aware of character flaws almost completely out of my control.
In turn, I ruined my mother's Easter dinner by leaving. Would it have been a happy dinner anyway? At what cost would I have paid to 'suck it up' and stay? Would I even be able to control my aforementioned impulsivity? No. At this point, I would not. So it would not have been a happy day. I can be almost certain of that. And if I stayed, I would've had to listen to my family mock, complain about, and/or curse at or about me. I already am ridiculously self-conscious. Your family members are supposed to be the ones who love and accept you in spite of your faults. If they don't? Who then?
Many have suggested I just go to family events and not talk. Just smile and nod - be polite and keep my mouth shut. And lord knows, I really wish I was able to do so. I just haven't learned how to - nor am I sure this is even a possibility given what I've learned about ADHD and impulsivity thus far.
*Sigh* I really do love my family... and maybe they'll read this and begin to understand me a little better. And hopefully each time we get together, it will be a little better than the last.
Because Mother's Day is in a couple of weeks... and I'd really like to give my mom a conflict-free family dinner. :-)
Being aware of my sucky traits is something I've clearly been struggling with and per the advice of my ADD/ADHD therapist, I've been making small efforts to make my family (and friends) aware of certain things I do that are not actually me, but my ADHD traits.
I am not making excuses for bad behavior. Let's be clear on this. I am just trying to make people aware of things that I've been working on without blaming it purely on Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. There is still a hopeful part of me that naively thinks I can eventually "get over" ADHD. And I know that some of my family and friends don't really think I have ADHD and some don't even think it's a real disorder.
A month or so ago, I wanted to make sure my parents were on board and that, at the very least, they understood that all of this was and is very real to me. My mom, dad, and I actually met with my therapist, and while I think that was helpful, they surely cannot entirely grasp all the little ADHD intricacies. I am still very far from that point myself. As for my brother and sister - while they may be aware of my diagnosis - they are even further from understanding what that actually means. And, frankly, I'm not sure I want them to look into it further. I am not really trying to broadcast this aspect of myself anyway - because it doesn't define who I am. It does, however, explain the way I think and act sometimes.
Hence this blog. I haven't told anyone besides my therapist and my parents that this blog even exists. (I really made it for purely therapeutic reasons - to give myself an outlet to document my experiences with this whole ADHD thing.) But I did give them permission to pass it along to anyone they think might find it useful. I haven't sugar-coated anything, nor do I have any plans to do so. I take full responsibility for everything I write here. While I will not use any real names for anyone I talk about - I did use my real name. Because this is all very real to me. And I want people to know that. My name is really Katie. That's really me in the picture over there on the right. And I really do have ADHD.
So, again, I'm not trying to make excuses for my behavior. I'm trying to explain it - in hopes that, in this case, knowledge will be helpful. (Unfortunately, ignorance is no longer an option.) I want my family and friends to know that I never intentionally try to hurt or annoy them. The things I say and do are never out of malice. I genuinely love my family and friends. Sometimes I say and do things without thinking. This is due to my less-than-perfect impulse control.
To get back to my original reason for this post, I've ruined yet another holiday - this time... Easter. Along with saying things without thinking and getting stuck on thoughts (ie. repeating myself), I also sometimes trip over my words (which may or may not be ADHD-related, I'm not sure). So this morning, standing in my parents' kitchen while we were all getting ready for church, I was talking to my mother and sister and said something a little "jumble-y". And my sister jumped right on me. And so I asked her, calmly, to try not to do that in the future as it really bothers me when people jump on me saying something wrong. She brushed it off. My mom joined in, agreeing that we all pick on the way each other speak - as if that makes it ok. So I reiterated my point, saying that I wish she would just try to let it slide. Then she and my mother kind of laughed it off, implied like I was overreacting, and went back to what they were doing. I literally responded, "well thanks for patronizing me."
This made my sister hysterical for some reason. And my father, who was in earshot, decided to chime in that my sister did in fact apologize and that, even after she said she wouldn't do it anymore, I continued to harp on the issue. I sat silently and listened.
First of all, in my defense, there actually really never was an apology, there was a defensive "we all do this, so what's your problem?" conversation that followed my request. An actual apology would imply that she understood that she hurt me. But, people are defensive, that's human nature. I get it. So I just reiterated my point, hoping that if something is said twice, it would stress the importance of what was said - that I really wish she would, in the future, try not to jump on my mis-speech. And when she rolled her eyes, I threw out the 'patronizing' comment. Impulsivity aside, that is how I feel when someone rolls their eyes when I am communicating my feelings - something I RARELY do. Maybe I should've been the bigger person and not replied to the eye-rolling - but I was frustrated that my plea seemed to be going unacknowledged.
So anyhow, the final straw came from my father's commentary. In a completely ridiculous bit of irony, HE begins to harp on ME about how I never let things go. Literally, in his defense, he did say that I only said it TWICE. Yep. He confirmed that I "harped" on my sister - by saying something two times and then again by throwing in the 'patronizing' comment (which I admit, was not a good power play). And he says this to me, literally, multiple times - so that he can drive home the point... that I never know when to quit.
Ok. Even if I did get stuck on the issue. Even if, in a terrible case of ADHD-instigated repetition or whatnot, I hyper-focused on an issue - my father did the same thing - if not worse. And I say 'worse' not purely because I inferred that it was little hypocritical, but rather because, now, TWO members of my family - within a span of five or ten minutes - each made a point to criticize the very issues I've been struggling with to understand and either fix or accept as a short-coming.
Yay! Just another thing I suck at. I, single-handedly, made my sister cry, my father yell at me, and my mother have to play the mediator.
It was against my better judgment to go to my parents' for Easter in the first place, as I know family-gatherings always end with people getting upset with something I said or did. But I do love my family and whole-heartedly wish that one day we'd all magically get along... that I had better control over my impulsive behavior... that they didn't pick at the things I'm actively trying to improve upon.
As for today, I left. Because I really wanted to go a day without feeling crappy about myself. Because I really HATE every 'gift' ADHD has given me thus far... I wish I wasn't aware of character flaws almost completely out of my control.
In turn, I ruined my mother's Easter dinner by leaving. Would it have been a happy dinner anyway? At what cost would I have paid to 'suck it up' and stay? Would I even be able to control my aforementioned impulsivity? No. At this point, I would not. So it would not have been a happy day. I can be almost certain of that. And if I stayed, I would've had to listen to my family mock, complain about, and/or curse at or about me. I already am ridiculously self-conscious. Your family members are supposed to be the ones who love and accept you in spite of your faults. If they don't? Who then?
Many have suggested I just go to family events and not talk. Just smile and nod - be polite and keep my mouth shut. And lord knows, I really wish I was able to do so. I just haven't learned how to - nor am I sure this is even a possibility given what I've learned about ADHD and impulsivity thus far.
*Sigh* I really do love my family... and maybe they'll read this and begin to understand me a little better. And hopefully each time we get together, it will be a little better than the last.
Because Mother's Day is in a couple of weeks... and I'd really like to give my mom a conflict-free family dinner. :-)
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Couldn't ADHD just've given me a sweater or something?
Coming to terms with ADHD is neither an easy nor happy process. Ironically, ADHD is a disorder that affects your executive functioning - which, according to HealthCentral.com, is the collective name for the cognitive abilities required to accomplish daily tasks as well as learning. So, because of my ADHD, I have a more difficult time learning to deal with it. Yay. And the more I learn, difficulty aside, the more aware I am of how there are certain traits I have that are actually ADHD gifts. Gifts that, frankly, I'd rather send back. But I have to learn to deal with said "gifts" - because no amount of medication or, simply, wanting to change them is actually going to work. So I am left completely aware of all of my horrible, unchangeable traits. And told I need to learn to just "live with them."
To bring back the analogy from my previous post, I may have been walking around in a dark basement, bumping into things, but at least I was blissfully unaware of the things I was bumping into to... Sometimes it's better not knowing.
Every now and again, people point out one of my crappy ADHD gifts, something I now realize I CANNOT change (but am, nonetheless, fully aware of it's suckage factor) and it really hurts. (And by people, I clearly mean my family and friends - because, let's be honest, strangers don't generally go around pointing out character flaws.) I grieve for the time when I really did think that, with enough perseverance, I could eventually change the things I didn't like about myself.
Because I can't. And it really does suck.
Stupid knowledge.
To bring back the analogy from my previous post, I may have been walking around in a dark basement, bumping into things, but at least I was blissfully unaware of the things I was bumping into to... Sometimes it's better not knowing.
Every now and again, people point out one of my crappy ADHD gifts, something I now realize I CANNOT change (but am, nonetheless, fully aware of it's suckage factor) and it really hurts. (And by people, I clearly mean my family and friends - because, let's be honest, strangers don't generally go around pointing out character flaws.) I grieve for the time when I really did think that, with enough perseverance, I could eventually change the things I didn't like about myself.
Because I can't. And it really does suck.
Stupid knowledge.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
...and so it begins
Or rather, should I say "and so it began"... as it really did begin over 20-some-odd years ago...
When I was little, my room was always a mess. (Let's be honest, my room is still always a mess.) But, nonetheless, when I was a kid, my parents would harass me to clean my room. And try that I might, I really had no idea where to begin. The thought of cleaning an ENTIRE room was (and is) way too overwhelming.
And then, through the course of nightly story books, I was introduced to "The Big Tidy-Up" by Norah Smaridge. And, as it turns out, my obsession with said book might've saved me years of trouble had someone realized why I was obsessed with it. (To give you a little bit of background, Smaridge's Golden Classic book follows Jennifer, a messy little girl who refuses to clean her room, but finally gets fed up and goes hog-wild with one big "tidy-up".) Again, I was obsessed with this book. It was the only way I could even fathom cleaning my room. (I'm sure this was my mom's point in buying the book for me in the first place.)
But, alas, try that I may, I never really got much cleaning done with the help of the book. I was pretty sure that "The Big Tidy-Up" was a 'how-to' book and if I just did everything that Jennifer did in the book, I would have a clean room in no time. But my five-year-old mind, however, never really picked up on the fact that I, unlike Jennifer, did not have a 'shoe on the windowsill' to remove. Nor would I be able to 'sweep' the dirt from my dusty-rose carpet with a broom.
And so, in a surefire bought of 'doing my best', my mom would give in and help me finish cleaning my room. Until the next time... when it was time to see how Jennifer did it again. Shoe on the windowsill? Nope. My room must be clean then!
***
I was at my parents' house not too long ago, looking through my memory trunk, when I came across that fictional how-to book. It was barely intact. The cover was completely gone and several pages were ripped. It was then I realized just how debilitating undiagnosed ADHD can be (as I was not diagnosed until about a year ago - at age 28). I wasn't some rebel little kid, not cleaning her room because she didn't want to... I wanted to. I just didn't know where to begin. And when the book couldn't tell me what to do with the pile of clothes in the corner, but my windowsill was shoe-free, then I had done as much as I could do on my own. And so the scenario repeated: Messy room. Refer to book. Have a slightly less-messy room. Have mom help finish the rest. Repeat.
I'm pretty sure everyone just thought I was a lazy, sloppy kid.
And now, a quarter of a century later, I find myself reaching for that book. Because, sometimes, life needs a little 'tidying-up'. And, sadly, I still do not know where to begin. Shoes cleared from the proverbial windowsill? Check.
***
It's been a little over a year since my diagnosis and I'm slowly-but-surely starting to get the hang of what it means to live with ADHD. While it's definitely not a life-threatening condition, it certainly is a life-altering one. There are so many things in my past that either were because of or in spite of the 'disorder' and I now wonder what my life would've been like had I known then what I know now. And if I had not just 'known', but had been treated as well.
Not that I'm a huge advocate of medicine (more on that later, I'm sure), but like a diabetic will need insulin for the rest of his life, so will I need to take my meds daily as well. And I do. It's like I was trying to walk through a basement in the dark and someone turned the light on. I've stopped bumping into things and can finally see where I am... (Although... I'm still not sure where I'm going)
A light is a start.
Maybe there are some "Big 'Life' Tidy-Up" books out there for adults like me. Either way, it's a lot easier to read with a light on...
When I was little, my room was always a mess. (Let's be honest, my room is still always a mess.) But, nonetheless, when I was a kid, my parents would harass me to clean my room. And try that I might, I really had no idea where to begin. The thought of cleaning an ENTIRE room was (and is) way too overwhelming.
And then, through the course of nightly story books, I was introduced to "The Big Tidy-Up" by Norah Smaridge. And, as it turns out, my obsession with said book might've saved me years of trouble had someone realized why I was obsessed with it. (To give you a little bit of background, Smaridge's Golden Classic book follows Jennifer, a messy little girl who refuses to clean her room, but finally gets fed up and goes hog-wild with one big "tidy-up".) Again, I was obsessed with this book. It was the only way I could even fathom cleaning my room. (I'm sure this was my mom's point in buying the book for me in the first place.)
But, alas, try that I may, I never really got much cleaning done with the help of the book. I was pretty sure that "The Big Tidy-Up" was a 'how-to' book and if I just did everything that Jennifer did in the book, I would have a clean room in no time. But my five-year-old mind, however, never really picked up on the fact that I, unlike Jennifer, did not have a 'shoe on the windowsill' to remove. Nor would I be able to 'sweep' the dirt from my dusty-rose carpet with a broom.
And so, in a surefire bought of 'doing my best', my mom would give in and help me finish cleaning my room. Until the next time... when it was time to see how Jennifer did it again. Shoe on the windowsill? Nope. My room must be clean then!
***
I was at my parents' house not too long ago, looking through my memory trunk, when I came across that fictional how-to book. It was barely intact. The cover was completely gone and several pages were ripped. It was then I realized just how debilitating undiagnosed ADHD can be (as I was not diagnosed until about a year ago - at age 28). I wasn't some rebel little kid, not cleaning her room because she didn't want to... I wanted to. I just didn't know where to begin. And when the book couldn't tell me what to do with the pile of clothes in the corner, but my windowsill was shoe-free, then I had done as much as I could do on my own. And so the scenario repeated: Messy room. Refer to book. Have a slightly less-messy room. Have mom help finish the rest. Repeat.
I'm pretty sure everyone just thought I was a lazy, sloppy kid.
And now, a quarter of a century later, I find myself reaching for that book. Because, sometimes, life needs a little 'tidying-up'. And, sadly, I still do not know where to begin. Shoes cleared from the proverbial windowsill? Check.
***
It's been a little over a year since my diagnosis and I'm slowly-but-surely starting to get the hang of what it means to live with ADHD. While it's definitely not a life-threatening condition, it certainly is a life-altering one. There are so many things in my past that either were because of or in spite of the 'disorder' and I now wonder what my life would've been like had I known then what I know now. And if I had not just 'known', but had been treated as well.
Not that I'm a huge advocate of medicine (more on that later, I'm sure), but like a diabetic will need insulin for the rest of his life, so will I need to take my meds daily as well. And I do. It's like I was trying to walk through a basement in the dark and someone turned the light on. I've stopped bumping into things and can finally see where I am... (Although... I'm still not sure where I'm going)
A light is a start.
Maybe there are some "Big 'Life' Tidy-Up" books out there for adults like me. Either way, it's a lot easier to read with a light on...
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