Uggh. Christmas. My birthday. And now, Easter.
Being aware of my sucky traits is something I've clearly been struggling with and per the advice of my ADD/ADHD therapist, I've been making small efforts to make my family (and friends) aware of certain things I do that are not actually me, but my ADHD traits.
I am not making excuses for bad behavior. Let's be clear on this. I am just trying to make people aware of things that I've been working on without blaming it purely on Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. There is still a hopeful part of me that naively thinks I can eventually "get over" ADHD. And I know that some of my family and friends don't really think I have ADHD and some don't even think it's a real disorder.
A month or so ago, I wanted to make sure my parents were on board and that, at the very least, they understood that all of this was and is very real to me. My mom, dad, and I actually met with my therapist, and while I think that was helpful, they surely cannot entirely grasp all the little ADHD intricacies. I am still very far from that point myself. As for my brother and sister - while they may be aware of my diagnosis - they are even further from understanding what that actually means. And, frankly, I'm not sure I want them to look into it further. I am not really trying to broadcast this aspect of myself anyway - because it doesn't define who I am. It does, however, explain the way I think and act sometimes.
Hence this blog. I haven't told anyone besides my therapist and my parents that this blog even exists. (I really made it for purely therapeutic reasons - to give myself an outlet to document my experiences with this whole ADHD thing.) But I did give them permission to pass it along to anyone they think might find it useful. I haven't sugar-coated anything, nor do I have any plans to do so. I take full responsibility for everything I write here. While I will not use any real names for anyone I talk about - I did use my real name. Because this is all very real to me. And I want people to know that. My name is really Katie. That's really me in the picture over there on the right. And I really do have ADHD.
So, again, I'm not trying to make excuses for my behavior. I'm trying to explain it - in hopes that, in this case, knowledge will be helpful. (Unfortunately, ignorance is no longer an option.) I want my family and friends to know that I never intentionally try to hurt or annoy them. The things I say and do are never out of malice. I genuinely love my family and friends. Sometimes I say and do things without thinking. This is due to my less-than-perfect impulse control.
To get back to my original reason for this post, I've ruined yet another holiday - this time... Easter. Along with saying things without thinking and getting stuck on thoughts (ie. repeating myself), I also sometimes trip over my words (which may or may not be ADHD-related, I'm not sure). So this morning, standing in my parents' kitchen while we were all getting ready for church, I was talking to my mother and sister and said something a little "jumble-y". And my sister jumped right on me. And so I asked her, calmly, to try not to do that in the future as it really bothers me when people jump on me saying something wrong. She brushed it off. My mom joined in, agreeing that we all pick on the way each other speak - as if that makes it ok. So I reiterated my point, saying that I wish she would just try to let it slide. Then she and my mother kind of laughed it off, implied like I was overreacting, and went back to what they were doing. I literally responded, "well thanks for patronizing me."
This made my sister hysterical for some reason. And my father, who was in earshot, decided to chime in that my sister did in fact apologize and that, even after she said she wouldn't do it anymore, I continued to harp on the issue. I sat silently and listened.
First of all, in my defense, there actually really never was an apology, there was a defensive "we all do this, so what's your problem?" conversation that followed my request. An actual apology would imply that she understood that she hurt me. But, people are defensive, that's human nature. I get it. So I just reiterated my point, hoping that if something is said twice, it would stress the importance of what was said - that I really wish she would, in the future, try not to jump on my mis-speech. And when she rolled her eyes, I threw out the 'patronizing' comment. Impulsivity aside, that is how I feel when someone rolls their eyes when I am communicating my feelings - something I RARELY do. Maybe I should've been the bigger person and not replied to the eye-rolling - but I was frustrated that my plea seemed to be going unacknowledged.
So anyhow, the final straw came from my father's commentary. In a completely ridiculous bit of irony, HE begins to harp on ME about how I never let things go. Literally, in his defense, he did say that I only said it TWICE. Yep. He confirmed that I "harped" on my sister - by saying something two times and then again by throwing in the 'patronizing' comment (which I admit, was not a good power play). And he says this to me, literally, multiple times - so that he can drive home the point... that I never know when to quit.
Ok. Even if I did get stuck on the issue. Even if, in a terrible case of ADHD-instigated repetition or whatnot, I hyper-focused on an issue - my father did the same thing - if not worse. And I say 'worse' not purely because I inferred that it was little hypocritical, but rather because, now, TWO members of my family - within a span of five or ten minutes - each made a point to criticize the very issues I've been struggling with to understand and either fix or accept as a short-coming.
Yay! Just another thing I suck at. I, single-handedly, made my sister cry, my father yell at me, and my mother have to play the mediator.
It was against my better judgment to go to my parents' for Easter in the first place, as I know family-gatherings always end with people getting upset with something I said or did. But I do love my family and whole-heartedly wish that one day we'd all magically get along... that I had better control over my impulsive behavior... that they didn't pick at the things I'm actively trying to improve upon.
As for today, I left. Because I really wanted to go a day without feeling crappy about myself. Because I really HATE every 'gift' ADHD has given me thus far... I wish I wasn't aware of character flaws almost completely out of my control.
In turn, I ruined my mother's Easter dinner by leaving. Would it have been a happy dinner anyway? At what cost would I have paid to 'suck it up' and stay? Would I even be able to control my aforementioned impulsivity? No. At this point, I would not. So it would not have been a happy day. I can be almost certain of that. And if I stayed, I would've had to listen to my family mock, complain about, and/or curse at or about me. I already am ridiculously self-conscious. Your family members are supposed to be the ones who love and accept you in spite of your faults. If they don't? Who then?
Many have suggested I just go to family events and not talk. Just smile and nod - be polite and keep my mouth shut. And lord knows, I really wish I was able to do so. I just haven't learned how to - nor am I sure this is even a possibility given what I've learned about ADHD and impulsivity thus far.
*Sigh* I really do love my family... and maybe they'll read this and begin to understand me a little better. And hopefully each time we get together, it will be a little better than the last.
Because Mother's Day is in a couple of weeks... and I'd really like to give my mom a conflict-free family dinner. :-)
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